e.m.claytor

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”  Victor Frankl

Coronavirus. Covid-19. Pandemic. I’m tired of hearing the words. I’m tired of waking up every day in this new (though temporary) reality. 

I’ve thought about writing a post for days now, but I’ve not been able to bring myself to do it. I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions. I started out in an odd cautiously optimistic state of denial, and it quickly transitioned to extreme anger and rage at the selfishness of human beings, fear for my parents’ wellbeing, and a wavering between peace and panic. 

Everyone is talking about being productive while they’re social distancing.  I’ve been far less productive because I can’t seem to stomach going about my usual routine. When I try to distract myself with my herbal studies or working on my own research, my brain shuts down. It’s like I can’t distract myself until I face this immense issue head on.

So the last few days I have been primarily researching to find out everything I can about the virus – from case studies to virology reports.  When I’m in a crisis state, I go into full on research mode. I need to know intellectually what I’m dealing with and how to best prepare. That’s how I take control.  Some people buy toilet paper.  I research.

And while that may seem in some ways more admirable than toilet paper hoarding, at the root, I think there’s a similar motive – fear and control. 

We cannot control Covid-19.  Yes, we can isolate. We can wash our hands. We can boost our immune system to the best of our ability. We can hope and pray our actions slow the spread and flatten the curve, and I PRAY we do just that.  But on an individual level – so many things are outside of our control.  I cannot control the actions of the many people who hoard, who willfully go out and spread germs, the government’s actions or inactions in response to this threat.  Some things are not within my control.

With so much outside of our control, it makes sense that we react in ways that make us feel like we’re at least doing something. Sometimes that looks like denial, acting like it’s no big deal and going on with life as usual.  Sometimes it looks like obsession – reading all the articles, keeping up with the updates daily. Sometimes it looks like hoarding – toilet paper, hand sanitizer, supplements.

And beneath all of this is fear.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of our inability to control this. Fear of loss – of health, of loved ones, of money, of food, of necessities, of freedoms. 

Fear is collectively running the show on a global scale right now.

And I say that with absolutely no judgment. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to feel fear. I think it’s a human thing. Fear is a basic instinct designed to keep us alive and recognize the things that we can control and the measures we can take to protect ourselves from any kind of threat.  But when there’s so much we can’t control, we may unknowingly react in ways that aren’t healthy while ignoring the underlying emotion.

So, I think it’s important that we allow ourselves to actually feel the fear. Acknowledge the fear.  Sit with it.  It has something to teach us.  Each of us, individually.

Personally – I don’t want to sit with the fear.  I want to research it away. I want to find the solution to the problem. I want a cure. I want to know that I can take care of my family if they get sick. I want to be prepared with the knowledge and tools I need to protect the ones I love. So, instead of sitting with the fear, that’s what I’ve been doing. 

I’ve put off writing this because I know what it means.  It means I have to sit with my fear and process it.

It’s strange how many of the people I’ve spoken with are evaluating their life choices right now.  Our busy lives have come to a screeching halt. Our distractions (sports, entertainment events, work, dinners) are being stripped away, and we’re being forced to sit with all the things we’ve been suppressing.

For me, my biggest fear has always been losing my family. It’s unhealthy, but I worry about my mom every time she goes out. I’ve thankfully had the iPhone tracking app, so that I know she arrives safely when she leaves.  I have been a helicopter daughter.  

So, imagine, what this is like for me when my 65-year-old mother is working in a pharmacy during a pandemic that is worse for the older population.  I don’t have an iPhone app that alerts me when someone she’s been in contact with is carrying this virus.  I don’t have an app that initiates a magic bubble around my mom when she leaves the house.  I have no control over the wellbeing of my parents during this.

And what I’m being forced to acknowledge is that I never have had control.  I have had the illusion of control.  I have had an app that reduces the anxiety I feel when I don’t know if she’s made it safely to the grocery store.  But I cannot control the dangers or the outcomes. And I have not really dealt with this fear at the root.

Others are facing the fear of losing jobs, money, retirement, possibly homes.  Those are big concerns especially in the middle of global panic and pain. But the truth is our jobs and investments have never been entirely within our control. In one instance, the world can be turned upside down, and all of the things that we held onto for security can be stripped away. Our security in our jobs and finances is an illusion – because we can’t control outside events or predict the future.

I have so many things I want to write about this, but I think I want to stay focused on the fear aspect because it seems important.  I’m not going to shout out FAITH OVER FEAR.  I pray for that.  But I think by simply defaulting to shouting faith over fear we’re actually promoting a form of spiritual bypassing.  We’re ignoring what’s really going on internally in favor of a mantra that makes us feel guilty when we don’t have enough faith.  Or further suggests we ignore the fear.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here.  Faith is key. Faith is important. But if we ignore our emotional response in this, we miss out on growth.  We miss out on life-changing insight.

Faith is not in any way the absence of fear. And I don’t believe that enacting logical precautions like staying home negates faith or empowers fear.  Maybe the key is to be mindful of our emotions, our actions, and our reactions.

If I’m frantically researching or panic buying supplements, I can take time to say, “What emotion am I experiencing right now? How is that emotion influencing my actions/reactions?” And instead of acting immediately, I might take a moment to sit with the emotion, name the emotion, and experience it first. Notice where I feel the emotion in my body. Allowing ourselves to feel can lead to amazing personal growth. And it gives us the power to CHOOSE our actions.

By taking time to sit with these emotions, we’re better able to discern what’s really behind our actions.  And this can be truly empowering.  We then discover what is actually within our control.

This crisis is becoming a time of introspection.  Many of us have been given an opportunity to slow down. An opportunity to examine our lives, our choices, our reactions.  Are we on the path we want to be on?  What’s holding us back?  What really matters in life?  This global crisis is bringing up a lot for a lot of people.  It’s a lot to process.

Notice what comes up for you right now during this time of change.  Chances are it’s something you’ve carried around for a while.  This is a time to grow. It’s a time to feel.

This is a heavy time. Not just because of virus or the state of the world – but because our own “stuff” is coming to the surface without the usual distractions.  Feel the heaviness.  Feel the fear.  Pay attention to your responses, reactions and actions. There’s so much value and power in just noticing.  But it’s not always comfortable or easy.

Gestalt therapists believe “The past is in the present.” Focusing on the “here and now” can be one of the most enlightening and healing things we can do. The here and now is painful at the moment. But the here and now contains amazing truths for all of us as individuals. Your emotions in the here and now. Your actions in the here and now. Your responses in the here and now. Notice these things. Sit with them. Learn from them – but without judgment or guilt. Notice them but try not to dwell. Noticing and allowing without judgment.

Take time to take care of yourself. To hurt. To cry. To get angry. Allow yourself to feel. Reach out to people (while maintaining social distancing, obviouslyyy).  Find healthy ways to cope with the discomfort and the fear.  Create something. Write. Exercise. Breathe. Dance. Pray. Cry some more.  Turn off the news. Disconnect from social media for a while.  Watch movies. Listen to the birds.  Look for all the signs of sweet spring.  Pick flowers. Connect with Earth and find healing and answers in nature.

I believe that each person’s inner work influences the collective.  When we heal individually it has a ripple effect that leads to collective healing.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen an event or crisis bring unification across the globe.  We are collectively experiencing fear and uncertainty.  We hurt together.  I pray that we will also collectively heal – not just physically but psychologically and spiritually.  I pray that on the other side of this virus, we see love in place of fear. I pray we see unity in place of division.  I pray we see healing in place of pain. 

For now, I’m going to feel the fear – my deeply rooted fears of loss and need to control. I’m going to allow myself to grieve.  I’m going to accept where I am in this moment and trust that through this process I will learn, grow, and heal.