Since Covid-19 has hit heavily in the United States in the last month, I (and many others) have had an unbelievable spike in anxiety. Honestly, it’s some of the most intrusive anxiety I’ve experienced in many years, so I’m finding myself returning to the tools that I’ve used in the past personally and tools that I use with clients when counseling. Continue reading “Practical Tips for Managing Anxiety”
Author: EMC
Sitting with Fear: Covid-19, Control, and Collective Healing
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Victor Frankl
Coronavirus. Covid-19. Pandemic. I’m tired of hearing the words. I’m tired of waking up every day in this new (though temporary) reality.
I’ve thought about writing a post for days now, but I’ve not been able to bring myself to do it. I’ve gone through a myriad of emotions. I started out in an odd cautiously optimistic state of denial, and it quickly transitioned to extreme anger and rage at the selfishness of human beings, fear for my parents’ wellbeing, and a wavering between peace and panic. Continue reading “Sitting with Fear: Covid-19, Control, and Collective Healing”
Follow What Energizes You: Spiral Path to PhD
Yesterday, I found out that I’ve been accepted into the only PhD program I was remotely interested in. I knew when I was still getting my masters degree in counseling that I wanted to get my doctorate, and I even knew that I wanted to pursue something in the fields of depth psychology or consciousness studies. But once I graduated – like most students – I was ready to work in the field and rest my mind for a little while.
When I found out that I had been accepted, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was excited, relieved, and confused. The reality that this is happening set in and a flood of fear and anxiety rushed in with it – where will we live? How will we make it? Will we be able to find an affordable place WITHOUT MOLD? Not gonna lie – this is one of my biggest fears.
But in the midst of this swirl of emotion, I’ve also been reflecting a lot on the journey that has brought me to this place at this time — spirals, career inventories, conferences, chance meetings. I love connecting the pieces in retrospect. Continue reading “Follow What Energizes You: Spiral Path to PhD”
Impostor, Impostor: A Prologue (of sorts)
Creative expression is therapeutic and healing because it involves the inner work – it brings the unconscious to light. You can work through unhealthy and false beliefs simply by creating. Creating brings new life. New beliefs. It’s cathartic. It’s important work.
On Tuesday, I released my first collection of poetry, Impostor, Impostor (an obvious nod to “Impostor Syndrome”). It’s a strange feeling releasing a book into the wild. Creating is an act of vulnerability and inner work. Publishing your creation is like putting your vulnerability and inner work on display – and is even more vulnerable.
I have written poetry for as long as I can remember. I write to process. I write to express. I write to live. It is a necessary part of living for me. Outside of publishing some pieces in college and more recently posting some pieces online, I have kept much of my work private. And for the primary reason of feeling too vulnerable. The risk of rejection. The risk of putting your naked soul on display for the judgment of the world.
I’ve done so much work in the last couple of years undoing these blocks, finding value in my voice, and finding courage in putting myself out there. It is an absolute act of bravery to create. And it’s important that we do create. Even if not for publication – creating is an innate part of being human. We have creative power inside that we are burying and disowning, and it is spiritually draining. Continue reading “Impostor, Impostor: A Prologue (of sorts)”
Nature Calling: Return to the Plant Path
“All that man needs for health and healing has been provided by God in nature; the challenge of science is to find it.” – Paracelsus
Since I’ve been out of work because of mold illness (find that story here), I have been surprisingly happy. Not just happy, but overwhelmingly happy and excited.
Now don’t get me wrong – I am definitely having moments of panic about paying bills because I for real have no income. It’s terrifying. But despite losing my house, my job, pretty much everything I own and still battling mold sickness, I am so happy.
In many ways it feels like I’m rediscovering me. I have a completed book of poetry that is nearing publication (Update: It’s here!). I am working to improve on guitar and have learned to finger pick (thank you, dear husband, for that lesson). And I have returned to my long-time love – herbal medicine – and it is filling my heart with so much life. Continue reading “Nature Calling: Return to the Plant Path”
I Am Grateful Today for Mold
We are not made for this lifestyle America has glorified. We are made to connect with nature, to create, to serve (without sacrificing your truth and your purpose). Our system is broken. Our mindsets are clouded with false beliefs. We are trapped in a system believing it makes us good, hardworking people and denying that our souls are suffering because of it.
I’ve spent the morning outdoors. It’s chilly, overcast, and the air is a little damp with the threat of rain. I took my boots off to connect my feet with the earth (I’ve read that grounding is more important to healing than the food you eat.). I broke off a sprig of rosemary and breathed in the scent then laid it in my lap as I looked around at nature living all around me – woodpeckers, blue jays, tiny wrens, tubby robins, the bare trees swaying under the weight of squirrels scrambling. I have missed this – sitting in nature simply watching. Alone with my senses and my thoughts.
I’m so grateful for where I am. I am so happy. I am grateful that I am in a place where I can enjoy the morning at my own pace. I can think. I can create. On my own time.
Working in a demanding place, Monday – Friday, 8-4:30 (and later at times), takes away so much. I love the work I do (did?), but I’m realizing on a deeper level that I was fading quickly. Yes, I was full of mold sickness. But at a very deep level, I was unhappy in my job. I was in a place that was misaligned with who I am. Continue reading “I Am Grateful Today for Mold”
The Mold Saga, Part 3: From Detox to Retox (and Floxxed)
I don’t know if I can appropriately put into words the amount of stress that I went through shortly after we were out of the mold house. Our emotions were all over the place – relief, frustration, loss, grief, hope. It tested our ability to experience opposite emotions at the same time.
But after we got rid of 90% of our belongings, we left the house behind us without a thought of regret. It was a disease, and we wanted no part of it any longer.
If you remember from Parts 1 and 2, we continued to be highly reactive any time we came into contact with mold or even mold spores. And by reactive I mean dried out throat, ears popping, vertigo and dizziness, nausea, visual disturbances, severe headaches, tremors, muscle weakness, electric shocks, confusion, difficulty speaking – it’s a bit ridiculous. The extent of these symptoms depended on the length of exposure and whether or not we immediately showered and washed our clothes after exposure. Often the symptoms would not resolve for hours.
So it’s understandable why we actively work to avoid these places and items.
The first few weeks of September were great. I started walking and was so relieved that I could finally exercise – I had never treasured the ability to walk and exercise before, but I did during that time. I was going to get healthier than I’d ever been.
Everyone noticed a difference. My boss remarked on the improvement in my energy and mood. It was shocking how sick I had been and how drastically I changed just by being out of that environment.
And now looking back just a few months to those brief few weeks when I was getting my energy and vitality back, my heart actually feels like it could break because it was devastatingly short-lived.
Continue reading “The Mold Saga, Part 3: From Detox to Retox (and Floxxed)”
The Mold Saga, Part 2: Out with the Mold
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
If we fix on the old, we get stuck. When we hang on to any form, we are in danger of putrefaction.
Hell is life drying up.”
Joseph Campbell
It is weird at this point to begin writing about the mold saga. There’s so much that has passed. And there’s so much that’s still ongoing. I feel strangely suspended in time.
After we found the mold, life changed overnight. Literally. We began staying with my parents and only going back to the house to pick up some things that we needed. By the first weekend, we had decided we would be moving out as soon as possible. This was certainly not something we had prepared to do. Even though I had just decided to begin applying to PhD programs, we had no expectation of moving for at least a year out.
Amazingly, Daniel had just moved his business that had been located in our house into another location. It was a little unbelievable how perfectly timed that had been.
So we got to work moving. I went to work during the week, and on the weekends, we planned to work as many hours as we could handle moving our things out. It was during that first weekend, we realized this was not going to be an easy thing to do. Continue reading “The Mold Saga, Part 2: Out with the Mold”
The Mold Saga, Part 1: More than Migraine
The Mold and the Beautiful
Of Mold and Men
The Mold of Our Lives
The Mold and the Restless
Out with the Mold
These are just a few of the titles I’ve been throwing around to describe what has come to be known as the mold saga. A saga is by definition lengthy. It keeps going. And going.
And this definitely feels like a saga. An unending saga of twists and turns, discoveries, hope, disappointment, deep pain, and new beginnings.
Many of you are aware that I’ve been dealing with significant migraines for over a year. In July 2018, I began dealing with on and off depression. This was unusual for me. I often experienced some mild depression in the winter season, but usually the summers were better. But July 2018 was rough. I got sick with some kind of upper respiratory garbage that felt more like intense allergies that just wouldn’t quit. I had on and off nosebleeds. And on and off migraines. I was tired. Like exhausted, hurt-all-over fatigue. But I kept thinking it would let up. Surely I could just change some things in my life and feel a little better. Continue reading “The Mold Saga, Part 1: More than Migraine”
New Mexico, the Muse: Finding Creative Freedom in the Desert
“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”
Anne Rice, about Franz Kafka
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
My heart ached for New Mexico this weekend. There’s a heartsickness I experience over that land like I’ve never experienced before. It’s what I feel when I’m away from my husband. It’s what I feel when I miss my family. It’s a feeling that’s hard to explain, but I can only describe as a grieving, deep-seated longing.
Since we’ve been back from New Mexico, the longing comes and goes. It doesn’t seem like it’s ever fully gone – but it just settles beneath the surface of the day-to-day demands. Life carries on as usual, but there’s a new dimension – a new thread – that has been woven into our existence.
I feel like I’ve been constantly processing the impact of our trip for months now. When we got home, we were met repeatedly with the question, “How was your trip?” and I found myself unable to put our experience into words. It wasn’t good or great or wonderful or exciting. It was… something else altogether. Continue reading “New Mexico, the Muse: Finding Creative Freedom in the Desert”