Purpose – e.m.claytor

Category: Purpose

Follow What Energizes You: Spiral Path to PhD

Posted on March 11, 2020March 11, 2020 by EMC

Yesterday, I found out that I’ve been accepted into the only PhD program I was remotely interested in. I knew when I was still getting my masters degree in counseling that I wanted to get my doctorate, and I even knew that I wanted to pursue something in the fields of depth psychology or consciousness studies. But once I graduated – like most students – I was ready to work in the field and rest my mind for a little while.

When I found out that I had been accepted, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was excited, relieved, and confused. The reality that this is happening set in and a flood of fear and anxiety rushed in with it – where will we live? How will we make it? Will we be able to find an affordable place WITHOUT MOLD? Not gonna lie – this is one of my biggest fears.

But in the midst of this swirl of emotion, I’ve also been reflecting a lot on the journey that has brought me to this place at this time — spirals, career inventories, conferences, chance meetings. I love connecting the pieces in retrospect. Continue reading “Follow What Energizes You: Spiral Path to PhD” →

Impostor, Impostor: A Prologue (of sorts)

Posted on February 20, 2020February 20, 2020 by EMC

Creative expression is therapeutic and healing because it involves the inner work – it brings the unconscious to light. You can work through unhealthy and false beliefs simply by creating. Creating brings new life. New beliefs. It’s cathartic. It’s important work.

On Tuesday, I released my first collection of poetry, Impostor, Impostor (an obvious nod to “Impostor Syndrome”). It’s a strange feeling releasing a book into the wild. Creating is an act of vulnerability and inner work. Publishing your creation is like putting your vulnerability and inner work on display – and is even more vulnerable.

I have written poetry for as long as I can remember. I write to process. I write to express. I write to live. It is a necessary part of living for me. Outside of publishing some pieces in college and more recently posting some pieces online, I have kept much of my work private. And for the primary reason of feeling too vulnerable. The risk of rejection. The risk of putting your naked soul on display for the judgment of the world.

I’ve done so much work in the last couple of years undoing these blocks, finding value in my voice, and finding courage in putting myself out there. It is an absolute act of bravery to create. And it’s important that we do create. Even if not for publication – creating is an innate part of being human. We have creative power inside that we are burying and disowning, and it is spiritually draining. Continue reading “Impostor, Impostor: A Prologue (of sorts)” →

I Am Grateful Today for Mold

Posted on January 29, 2020January 29, 2020 by EMC

We are not made for this lifestyle America has glorified. We are made to connect with nature, to create, to serve (without sacrificing your truth and your purpose). Our system is broken. Our mindsets are clouded with false beliefs. We are trapped in a system believing it makes us good, hardworking people and denying that our souls are suffering because of it.

I’ve spent the morning outdoors. It’s chilly, overcast, and the air is a little damp with the threat of rain. I took my boots off to connect my feet with the earth (I’ve read that grounding is more important to healing than the food you eat.). I broke off a sprig of rosemary and breathed in the scent then laid it in my lap as I looked around at nature living all around me – woodpeckers, blue jays, tiny wrens, tubby robins, the bare trees swaying under the weight of squirrels scrambling. I have missed this – sitting in nature simply watching. Alone with my senses and my thoughts.

I’m so grateful for where I am. I am so happy. I am grateful that I am in a place where I can enjoy the morning at my own pace. I can think. I can create. On my own time.

Working in a demanding place, Monday – Friday, 8-4:30 (and later at times), takes away so much. I love the work I do (did?), but I’m realizing on a deeper level that I was fading quickly. Yes, I was full of mold sickness. But at a very deep level, I was unhappy in my job. I was in a place that was misaligned with who I am. Continue reading “I Am Grateful Today for Mold” →

New Mexico, the Muse: Finding Creative Freedom in the Desert

Posted on April 15, 2019May 13, 2019 by EMC

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

Anne Rice, about Franz Kafka

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

My heart ached for New Mexico this weekend. There’s a heartsickness I experience over that land like I’ve never experienced before. It’s what I feel when I’m away from my husband. It’s what I feel when I miss my family. It’s a feeling that’s hard to explain, but I can only describe as a grieving, deep-seated longing.

Since we’ve been back from New Mexico, the longing comes and goes. It doesn’t seem like it’s ever fully gone – but it just settles beneath the surface of the day-to-day demands. Life carries on as usual, but there’s a new dimension – a new thread – that has been woven into our existence.

I feel like I’ve been constantly processing the impact of our trip for months now. When we got home, we were met repeatedly with the question, “How was your trip?” and I found myself unable to put our experience into words. It wasn’t good or great or wonderful or exciting. It was… something else altogether. Continue reading “New Mexico, the Muse: Finding Creative Freedom in the Desert” →

Becoming the Writer: Overcoming Self-Limiting Beliefs and Moving Toward Purpose

Posted on April 8, 2019April 10, 2019 by EMC

“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.” – Earl Nightingale

I can barely remember a time before the word “writer” was a part of my identity. I was watching Dick Van Dyke reruns on Nick at Nite when I was 6, and I realized that I wanted to be a writer – a “head writer” actually.

So, in school, when the teacher asked us the typical “What do you want to be when you grow up?” question, I responded proudly, “A Head Writer!” I’m fairly certain I was beaming. To my surprise, I was met with blank stares from both teacher and classmates.

“A what?? A head waiter?” This was obviously ridiculous – what was a head waiter anyway?

“No! A head WRITER.” Still – only blank stares.

Continue reading “Becoming the Writer: Overcoming Self-Limiting Beliefs and Moving Toward Purpose” →