e.m.claytor

Yesterday, I found out that I’ve been accepted into the only PhD program I was remotely interested in.  I knew when I was still getting my masters degree in counseling that I wanted to get my doctorate, and I even knew that I wanted to pursue something in the fields of depth psychology or consciousness studies.  But once I graduated – like most students – I was ready to work in the field and rest my mind for a little while.

When I found out that I had been accepted, I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I was excited, relieved, and confused.  The reality that this is happening set in and a flood of fear and anxiety rushed in with it – where will we live? How will we make it?  Will we be able to find an affordable place WITHOUT MOLD?  Not gonna lie – this is one of my biggest fears.

But in the midst of this swirl of emotion, I’ve also been reflecting a lot on the journey that has brought me to this place at this time — spirals, career inventories, conferences, chance meetings.  I love connecting the pieces in retrospect.

It’s fairly well-established at this point that last year was rough.  Exactly one year ago, I was incredibly sick, making appointments with a neurologist, unsure if I was going to be well enough to even work. I was scared. I was overwhelmed with a list of terrifying symptoms (including severe cognitive issues) and still worked 40+ hours a week.  It was a miserable and uncertain time. How could I have thought I would be able to do PhD studies?

Shortly before the sickness progressed to that point, I had a conversation with a new colleague about my career interests and future goals.  During our conversation, he made the statement that I needed to pursue my PhD – something I had been considering for years – and when he said it, I just knew I longed to move forward with my education and launch into research.

At that time, I was working as a university career counselor, and he was a researcher and specialist in that area.  After that meeting, he sent me the Career Construction Inventory to review and use with my students.  I looked over the information, and I decided to take the Career Construction Inventory myself (I typically do this prior to using an intervention with clients).  This is an assessment rooted in narrative therapy, so there was a great deal of introspection and writing.  The end result was pretty clear – I want to be pursuing research and developing my own theories.  The PhD just makes sense. 

But I had no idea when the time to do that would be.  And once I got sick shortly after that, it seemed like it may not be an option at all. 

Six months later, I had the opportunity to present at the National Career Development Association conference in Houston, TX.  It was the last week of June 2019. Daniel and I drove down for the week, and I was so much better (heads up – if you feel better when you leave your home, check for mold!).  I remember feeling human again and thinking that I was going to be okay. 

During the conference, I had the opportunity to attend a session with the practitioner who developed the Career Construction Inventory, and he said something in that session that set my mind to rolling – “Your dissertation should be about you.”  He said this as an aside and in the context of a client narrative, but it was like it burrowed into my mind.  A month or so earlier, I had a “mental download” for what I wanted to work on for dissertation – I was so excited about it, and I realized in that moment, it absolutely was about me. 

Once I got back up to the room, I started talking Daniel’s ears off about it.  I was telling him about my research interests, and I remember feeling so energized and lit up.  My own words that I regularly told my clients came back to me: “Notice what energizes you. And notice what drains you.  Follow the things that energize you.” 

During our 11 hour drive back home, I texted my best friend and told her about the experience.  She texted back: “I think you need to apply to PhD programs.”  A few minutes later, Daniel and I began talking, and out of the blue he says, “Maybe you need to start applying to PhD programs now.”  I had not told him about the text message.  I felt it.  The confirmation that it was time. He and I talked about it all the way home, and we both felt like it was right. 

One day back home and I was sick as a dog.  One week later, we found the mold.  Life changed quickly. Between moving and working and sickness, it wasn’t easy pushing forward with applying to PhD programs.  My first step was to take the GRE, and I had already purchased the GRE study book before we moved.  That was unfortunate – because every time I tried to study, I had a mold reaction (which at the time was causing severe brain fog and cognitive disturbances).  This made it impossible to study using the $40 book I had just bought. 

During this time, I was also looking at schools with counselor education PhD programs. I was considering Alabama, Ole Miss, Mississippi State and a few others.  Then I got an email from a college counseling association announcing a position opening at the University of West Georgia.  That’s when I remembered – I had looked at their psychology PhD program when I was still in school.  I had wanted so much to study consciousness, creativity, mind-body experiences, and this was the school I had sought out years ago. 

I looked over their website and felt completely energized when I read through the courses – there I was again noticing that I was energized, and I remembered again the words I tell my clients: “Follow the things that energize you.”  I grappled with the idea of applying to this program. It was a theoretical program. It was a 3 and a half hour drive which would mean moving.  It was farther from New Mexico!  But I was so drawn to it, and I felt like my research could thrive there. 

Once again, Daniel and I talked at length – processing my own internal conflicts between this program and the other programs.  Looking back now, it’s hard to believe I even struggled with the idea of diving in full force to this particular program, but I had my own issues to work through. 

And at the core of those issues was accepting me for me and acting on it.  Accepting my fringe interests in consciousness, philosophy, existentialism, spirituality, nature and plant consciousness.  Accepting and believing in myself enough to move in a direction that others may see as “less professional” or “less practical” (it’s neither of those things).  I had to get to a place of believing that I am worth taking a chance on.  I am not settling for the thing that the world sees as practical or more beneficial.  I’m following what energizes me – and that just so happens to be the bizarre, the mysterious, and the deep. 

I planned on applying to this program and others, but I soon realized, in comparison to the West Georgia program, nothing else appealed to me.  So I took a chance on this one school.

The fall of 2019 was a blur of misery. I was bedridden for a month.  I was on sick leave from being re-exposed to mold at work, and I most definitely wasn’t up to studying for the GRE in a moldy book.  The morning I took the GRE, I had just gotten over a viral infection and was on a round of steroids that made me incredibly sick.  But I made it. I made it.  Every step of the way was a struggle, but at the end of the day, I made it.

During the month of July 2019, I was trying to plan out my vacation, and as I looked at dates I just had this feeling that I should take off a particular week in September.  Shortly after that I reached out to the PhD coordinator at West Georgia, inquiring about the program, and she invited me to attend their Fall Social, and it just so happened to be the week I had decided to take a vacation.

Daniel and I went to Panama City that vacation week with plans to drive back up and visit the university for the Fall Social on our way home.  While we were sitting on the beach, I began drawing spirals in the sand.  Spirals had been a symbol that came to me while we were in New Mexico in December 2018.  Whenever I saw them, I just had a feeling that I was right where I needed to be.  When we got to the beach, the couch in our condo had spirals all over it.  So on the beach that morning, I was drawing spirals in the sand and I told Daniel, “Whenever I see spirals, I just feel like I’m in the right place.” 

The next day we drove to the university for the Fall Social, and as soon as I walked in the door, the entire back wall was painted and covered in spirals.  I had such a wonderful visit, and I left – once again – feeling energized. 

After that vacation, I came back to work and all hell broke loose.  I went on sick leave after being re-exposed to mold at work. I struggled to get my application in because I couldn’t think straight to write my essay.  I wondered if I would be better to not apply at all.  And once I had to leave my job, I was really confused.  I had no way of earning money. My plan was to save money for at least 6 more months until I found out if I got in. 

[Side story – When I found out I was going to leave my job, I applied for another job at another school. I was well qualified for it. It paid the same. I figured I could work in that building without being sick.  I had two interviews for the job.  The second one was with the president of the school.  It was a great interview – I was one of the top 3 candidates.  I left that interview and felt drained.  I called my mom and said, “There’s nothing in me that wants that job.”  I needed a job. I needed money.  But I knew that I didn’t want any part of that.  I didn’t get the job. A disappointment financially – but a blessing all around.]

Obviously, I did turn in my application for the PhD Program.  I held on to the conversation Daniel and I had on the way home from Houston.  Everything in my life was turned upside down, but the one thing I held on to was the fact that we knew during that car ride it was time to apply to PhD programs.  So I submitted it.

And I waited.

And I waited.

I didn’t know if I would get an interview. I knew I was qualified – but you never know.

On Feb. 20, I got a phone call from the coordinator of the PhD program. She said that she had not heard back from me about coming in for an interview.  I panicked.  I had not received any emails, but she said she had sent me two.  Neither of them came through.  That was nice of Gmail.  Once I finally got the email, I made arrangements to go to the campus the next week for a full day of interviews. 

The day of the interviews, I was on top of the world.  I had wonderful conversations discussing my research interests and dissertation plan with numerous professors.  I could freely discuss herbalism and PLANT CONSCIOUSNESS with the professors – and not only did they understand it; they were excited to discuss it! I told them about my book of poetry (it relates directly to my research interests), and they were excited about that as well.

I got to sit in on classes where we discussed nature, poetry, ancestral trauma, imaginal experiences, mind-body connection – it was unreal.  And maybe the most amazing thing – I HAD NO MOLD REACTION IN THE BUILDING.  I had been concerned that if I reacted, I wouldn’t be able to go to school there even if I got in.  But I was great! 

I left that interview day absolutely on top of the world – ENERGIZED may be an understatement.  I saw more trees and peace signs in that building than you can imagine.  One of the professors mentioned that some of their students comment that they feel like they’ve “found the mothership.”  I get it.

On our drive home, I told Daniel that I felt completely at peace.  I felt at peace either way. I knew I had taken a risk on me, and it was worth it whether I got in or not.

But I did get in.  And I am overwhelmed with the thought of what the next few years hold.

I recently read over what I wrote at the end of the Career Construction Inventory.  It’s actually pretty incredible to read what I wrote a year and a half ago and see where this path has taken me. I had no expectation when I wrote this what the future held.  The italicized text is what developed for me out of the assessment. The assessment consists of a series of introspective questions, and at the end you piece it together. This is part of what came up for me.

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I like being in places where…

Conversation is stimulating intellectually. I can be free to be creative and spiritual without judgment. I can think outside of the box and have flexibility to entertain theories that are my own. I have room to nurture my whole being while continuing to pursue knowledge.

In these places I want to…

Be successful on a large scale as I pursue new ideas and theories and promote non-judgment, creativity, and scientific/intelligent information that helps others grow and tears down barriers.

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I will be most happy and successful when I am:

Able to be: authentically expressive and able to make things happen on my own, regardless of my quirkiness or imperfections

In places where people: are open-minded, valuing creativity, spirituality, and natural healing

So that I can: successfully pursue new ideas while promoting non-judgment, creativity, and intelligent information that brings growth and tears down barriers.

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Follow what energizes you. Take a risk on you. I’m so happy I did.