e.m.claytor

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We are not made for this lifestyle America has glorified. We are made to connect with nature, to create, to serve (without sacrificing your truth and your purpose). Our system is broken. Our mindsets are clouded with false beliefs. We are trapped in a system believing it makes us good, hardworking people and denying that our souls are suffering because of it.

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I’ve spent the morning outdoors. It’s chilly, overcast, and the air is a little damp with the threat of rain.  I took my boots off to connect my feet with the earth (I’ve read that grounding is more important to healing than the food you eat.).  I broke off a sprig of rosemary and breathed in the scent then laid it in my lap as I looked around at nature living all around me – woodpeckers, blue jays, tiny wrens, tubby robins, the bare trees swaying under the weight of squirrels scrambling.  I have missed this – sitting in nature simply watching. Alone with my senses and my thoughts. 

I’m so grateful for where I am. I am so happy.  I am grateful that I am in a place where I can enjoy the morning at my own pace. I can think. I can create. On my own time. 

Working in a demanding place, Monday – Friday, 8-4:30 (and later at times), takes away so much.  I love the work I do (did?), but I’m realizing on a deeper level that I was fading quickly.  Yes, I was full of mold sickness. But at a very deep level, I was unhappy in my job.  I was in a place that was misaligned with who I am.

So, I am grateful that I was forced to leave my job.  I’m grateful that mold gave me no choice. Because I am becoming more me.  I am thriving.  I am growing. I’m excited for life. And I have time to enjoy nature.

I value creativity. I value nature. I value time freedom. I value the earth and her breath and her healing.  I value independence.  I value peace, quiet, and solitude.  I value dreaming and operating on intuition. I value individuality, authenticity, and openness.

None of those things were nurtured in my job.  I sacrificed the things I hold most valuable for a job that paid well. I am thankful for the job because I learned so much. I had opportunities to expand, learn new things, and grow in the field, but ultimately it taught me what is not healthy for me.

And I am thankful.

I am thankful for a new opportunity to live. I am thankful for time to process.

We are not made for this lifestyle America has glorified. We are made to connect with nature, to create, to serve (without sacrificing your truth and your purpose). Our system is broken. Our mindsets are clouded with false beliefs. We are trapped in a system believing it makes us good, hardworking people and denying that our souls are suffering because of it. 

I don’t know the answer. I know that I’ve struggled with this since I was a tiny child. School was the same soul-crushing experience for me. It was regimented and left no room for expression.

Here’s a fun fact: I cried every single school registration day except senior year.  I begged my mom to homeschool me (she worked full time, so that was not an option).  I love learning – it is one of the things I love most in life. But in the school system there’s an underlying expectation of perfection and pressure to perform, to conform, to agree, to submit, to fall in line – and all I wanted was to breathe, to be free to explore on my own, to create alone without the naysaying of others, to be free of the judgment of peers and teachers.  To be free. I felt like I was in prison. 

The funny thing is I was an A student. I was a submissive student. I was more or less an ideal student. I feared judgment and disapproval. I felt the need to be perfect.

And this unhealthy, ingrained way of being carried over into my work life.  Pleasing a boss. Pleasing an organization. Being a great employee. I wanted to be perfect, to do more than was required – but I also didn’t want to do any of that at the same time.  I felt like I had to.  But inside I was miserable. I hated the 9-5. I hated the prison. I hated that I had to work.  I hated that I couldn’t be free to breathe, to explore on my own, to create alone without the naysaying of others…. Exactly as I had felt in school.

This past year helped me shed many of these unhealthy, socially accepted beliefs. For instance, as “good little Christians”, we’re taught to “work unto the Lord and not unto man” – which we have taken to mean, “Work, work, work – work hard because the Lord requires even more than a boss would. Work to please GOD.”  And, wow.  That verse actually came to me last year when I was quite literally killing myself to go to work when I was too sick.  I remember sitting in the bathroom, crying from pain, trying to get ready to go work (and feeling guilty) when I heard those words in my head. And suddenly, “Work unto the Lord and not unto man” had new meaning for me.  Because I knew God wanted me to take care of myself and not worry about the approval of a boss.  God already approved of me. God wanted me to not worry about what anyone else thought or the judgments of others.  He was the one taking care of my needs and providing for me. Not my hard work.  Not my employer. That was a clear message. And it began to untangle some (more) of the messy, unhealthy beliefs that I was indoctrinated with as a child in church.

There were other messages I was given during this time – messages that were usually in clear opposition of what we are told to believe as children.  And it was not easy to act on those messages. But I had to trust this process and put those new beliefs into action.

I’m still learning so much.  My experience with work, school and church – it’s all being rewritten.  Because I refuse to be limited to a sick society.  I refuse to allow beliefs that were passed down in fear and legalism rule my life.  I want to allow truth and love to permeate my path.  I want to be free to be the person I was created to be.

As I was sitting in nature this morning, I was suddenly grateful for mold.  I realized that mold serves a great purpose in nature. It decomposes. It destroys.  And while I have been and still am (to some degree) frustrated about the toll it has taken on our health and our lives, I recognize the value of the destruction.  Destruction is necessary to creation.  Decomposing takes place, so that new life can form. It returns essential minerals to the soil for new life. Without decomposition, there would be no life.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.  If we fix on the old, we get stuck. When we hang on to any form, we are in danger of putrefaction. Hell is life drying up.” (Joseph Campbell)

This passage resonated with me at least 6 months before we even found the mold in our house – already preparing me for what was on the horizon.

To think of the natural purpose of mold as a decomposer, and to think of it metaphorically in what we’ve been through is incredible.  Our lives are transformed because of mold.  It has destroyed what we were, what we held on to – and it continues to decompose those twisted, sick, unhealthy beliefs and has made room for new, healing, life-giving, empowering beliefs. 

I am grateful today for nature. I am grateful today for new insight. I am grateful today for who I am becoming.

I am grateful today for mold.